The Real Reason Bad Communication Makes You Lose It
Have you ever felt that sudden surge of irritation — not explosive, not dramatic — just that tight, sharpsomethingin your chest when you realize the person responding to you didn’t actually read what you wrote?
Not skimmed.
Not misunderstood.
Didn’t read.
I noticed this as one of my triggers recently. And I don’t say that lightly.
Because here’s the uncomfortable truth: I’m guilty of it too. Especially verbally. I move fast. I process quickly. I finish sentences in my head. I know that about myself.
But when it happens in writing — when the words are right there, clear, concise, impossible to miss — something in me reacts differently.
Harder.
And it happened twice within an hour.
The Moment It Hit Me
The first situation was simple. Boring, even. Logistics.
My daughter’s school schedule changed because of a cancellation and a delayed start. Her private flute lesson, normally seamless, suddenly needed to be rescheduled.
Her instructor offered:
“I can do it after school.”
The problem?
After school is band practice.
She kindly added that she could pull my daughter from band practice with permission, do the private lesson, and then return her to the group.
So I replied withone sentence. One.
“Is there a different day available other than tomorrow after school?”
That’s it. No essay. No emotional subtext. No passive aggression.
The response I received?
A detailed explanation of how she could do it tomorrow after school.
And I just stared at my screen.
Because… what?
It wasn’t that she couldn’t accommodate another day. That’s fine. That’s life.
It was that she didn’t answer the question that was asked.
And something in me snapped — not outwardly, but internally. That quiet, heated frustration that says,If you would just slow down and read.
Then It Happened Again
The second situation was business-related.
We’re extending our annual Mexico retreat from four nights to five. I was negotiating rates — clearly, directly — stating exactly what we were willing to pay.
They came back with a higher rate.
I clarified:
“This is the rate we’re willing to pay for five nights.”
Their response?
“Yes, but this is for five nights. Previously you stayed four.”
Correct.
Yes.
Exactly.
And again, I found myself repeating what I had already clearly stated.
Not because it was confusing — but because it hadn’t been read.
At that point, it wasn’t about money. Or logistics. Or scheduling.
It was about presence.
Why This Actually Triggers Us
We like to label this as being “annoyed” or “pissed off” or “irritated.”
But if we slow down — ironically — there’s something deeper happening.
When someone doesn’t read what we wrote, especially when we were clear, our nervous system interprets it as:
You weren’t important enough to slow down for
Your time doesn’t matter
Your clarity isn’t worth attention
This isn’t conscious. It’s biological.
The nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety, respect, and connection. Beingheard— truly heard — is one of the fastest regulators we have.
And when that doesn’t happen, especially repeatedly, the body reacts.
That tightness.
That heat.
That urge to correct.
That’s not ego.
That’s unmet relational expectation.
The Cost of Speed Without Presence
We live in a world that rewards fast replies, instant responses, and inbox zero.
But speed without presence erodes professionalism.
And I say this as someone who has spent years craving to teach business communication — not as a “soft skill,” but as a leadership competency.
Because what we’re seeing today — across solopreneurs, large corporations, and everything in between — is a breakdown of standards.
Subject lines ignored.
CC and BCC misused.
Reply-all chaos.
Questions answered that were never asked.
These tools exist for a reason. And when they’re misused, the cost isn’t just efficiency.
It’s trust.
What Professional Communication Actually Signals
Years ago, while working with a university to implement our CARES™ approach, I interacted with a woman named Melissa. We hadn’t met. We hadn’t spoken.
But her communication?
Clear.
Timely.
Thoughtful.
Consistent.
So I emailed her. Not for strategy. Not for leverage.
Just to say thank you.
To acknowledge the quality of her communication — and how rare that level of care had become.
She later told me how much it mattered to her.
Because good communication doesn’t just transmit information — it transmits respect.
The Leadership Gap No One Is Addressing
Here’s what most organizations miss:
Communication is not about talking.
It’s about attunement.
Reading fully.
Responding accurately.
Clarifying when unsure instead of assuming.
These aren’t personality traits.
They are trained behaviors.
And yet, we leave them to chance.
We promote people into leadership without ever teaching them how to read— emotionally or literally.
The Nervous System Truth
When communication is sloppy, rushed, or inattentive, it dysregulates people.
Teams feel unseen.
Clients feel dismissed.
Leaders feel frustrated and reactive.
And over time, that builds resentment — not because people are difficult, but because their nervous systems are tired of compensating for lack of care.
Slowing down isn’t inefficiency.
It’s regulation.
The Truth
This isn’t about perfection.
It’s not about never making mistakes.
It’s about presence.
About reading what’s written before replying.
About honoring the question that was actually asked.
About realizing that professionalism isn’t rigid — it’s relational.
And yes — I still catch myself moving too fast.
But awareness changes everything.
If something keeps triggering you, it’s not random.
It’s showing you where care is missing — externally or internally.
And often, the most powerful leadership move isn’t responding faster.
It’s slowing down enough to truly read.
If this resonates — if you’re feeling the quiet cost of miscommunication in your leadership, your organization, or your life — this is exactly the work we do at MotivAction®.
We train leaders and teams to build clarity, emotional intelligence, and nervous-system-aware communication that actually works.
Learn more at MotivAction.Academy
