People Do Change (But That's Not Why You Forgive Them)

People say it all the time: "That person will never change."

I've seen both sides. I've seen people who change and people who don't.

But here's what's most important: It doesn't matter if the other person changes or not. It's not up to you to change them.

And I have to remind myself of that a lot. When I'm not happy with somebody's behavior.

The Hawaiian Prayer

What comes to mind is a beautiful lesson from Ho'oponopono. You've probably heard of it. The Hawaiian prayer.

It's very basic: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

That's a powerful technique. But what's more interesting, and more important, is the history behind it.

Hawaii State Hospital, 1984

There's a story about a doctor named Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, who worked with a ward for the criminally insane at Hawaii State Hospital in 1984.

This wasn't just difficult work. It was dangerous work. The patients were violent, shackled, and medicated heavily. Staff were quitting every week because they couldn't handle it. The hallways were so dangerous that people walked with their backs against the wall just to get through safely.

Dr. Hew Len was brought in to work with these patients. But he did something unusual. He never met a single patient face-to-face.

Instead, he sat in his office and reviewed each case file. And as he read about their stories, their violence, their trauma, he repeated four phrases to himself: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

That was his practice. Day after day. Case file after case file.

And something remarkable happened. Within months, patients who had been shackled were walking freely. Medication was reduced. Staff stopped quitting. The atmosphere in the ward shifted.

Three years later, the ward closed. Not because of budget cuts or policy changes. Because there was nobody left to treat. The patients had healed enough to be released.

Now, I can't scientifically prove that Dr. Hew Len's practice directly healed those patients. But I can tell you this: It's a beautiful reminder that everything is possible. Everything is changeable. Those were people society had written off as beyond help. And yet, through his work, something shifted.

Whether it was his energy, his intention, or simply the act of letting go of his own judgment about them, I don't know. But the outcome was real.

You Can Just Wish the Other Person Well

And when it comes to forgiveness, right? It's not about them. It's about you and the energy you put towards that person.

That's why, no matter what the person has done, I always believe in wishing that person well. Deeply. Truly. From my heart.

My Personal Story

I had something happen a long time ago that tested this practice in a very personal way.

One of my employees left on very unpleasant terms. He went to work for a competitor, someone who absolutely despised me and didn't like me. And then he took some of my clients with him. They started working against me, actively trying to get me out of business.

It was nasty. It was unpleasant. And it hurt.

Years Later

Fast forward several years. I was already running MotivAction Academy, and I went to a networking event. It was one of those situations where two networking groups were mixing together, so the room was packed with people I didn't know.

At some point, I picked a table, I decided I'm going to sit and walked towards it. And there we were. He and I. And nobody else is around us.

I hadn't seen this person for years.

For a split second, I had a choice. I could pretend I didn't see him. I could turn around and walk away. I could stay silent and make it as awkward as possible.

But that's not who I am.

So I said, "Hey. How are you doing?"

It was absolutely awkward. But I wasn't going to ignore him.

The Conversation

We stood there and talked. And it was actually a good conversation.

He told me he'd gotten really sick during COVID. Lost a lot of weight. It wasn't quite a life-or-death situation, but it was serious enough that it might have made him rethink some things. I don't know.

He also shared that he'd started his own business. He was doing his own thing now, not working for that competitor anymore.

And then something happened that I never could have predicted.

What He Did Next

We sat down at a table with other business owners. People I didn't know. Just networking, making small talk, doing the usual "what do you do" introductions.

And here's the thing about being a young foreign woman in business: A lot of times, when people don't know you, they don't take you very seriously. They assume you're working for somebody else. They don't see you as the person running things.

I'm used to that. I know how to handle it. But what happened next, I wasn't prepared for.

Somehow, I don't know what possessed him, but in front of everybody at the table, he said: "Hey, you know, I used to work for her."

And just like that, he elevated my presence and credibility at that table. This big, bold, alpha personality type was openly admitting that he used to work for this tiny girl with a Russian accent.

I didn't ask him to do that. I didn't expect it. But I appreciated it.

I Haven't Seen Him Since

I haven't seen him since that day. But the experience stayed with me.

Because of the way we originally left things? I never thought this person would ever talk to me again. Let alone say something nice about me in front of other people.

And here we are, years later, and it happened.

Never in a million years did I expect that.

People Do Change

So people do change.

And honestly, I've forgiven everyone. Cut cords. Did Ho'oponopono with all of them throughout my personal development journey.

Because I was carrying a lot of hurt. Because of everything that happened. And how it went.

Because I am truly a person who doesn't wish anybody bad. And I truly want good human relationships.

Even if it didn't work out, for whatever reason, I still want to stay, not saying best friends, but just stay civil. And human. And respectful towards each other.

And don't talk ill of people behind their backs. That's just how I choose to live.

Why Forgiveness Isn't About Them

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about you.

It's about the energy you're carrying. The hurt you're holding. The resentment that's weighing you down.

When you hold onto that, you're the one suffering. Not them. They've moved on. They're living their life.

But you're still carrying it. In your body. In your stress. In how you show up.

And that's why I did the work. Not because they deserved forgiveness. But because I deserved peace.

And I believe only God holds supreme forgiveness.

In Russia, when someone says, "Please forgive me," we reply: "God will forgive you."

It's a cornerstone of Russian Orthodox culture, primarily used on Forgiveness Sunday before Lent. It signifies letting go of grudges, cleansing the soul, and the humble recognition that only God holds supreme forgiveness while encouraging mutual reconciliation.

We don't presume to have the authority to grant complete forgiveness. That belongs to God. But we can release the person from the debt we're holding them to. We can choose not to carry it anymore.

And that's what Ho'oponopono gave me. A way to release what I was carrying without pretending I had the power to absolve them completely.

I let go. Not because I'm God. But because I'm human. And I needed my peace back.

What Ho'oponopono Actually Does

Ho'oponopono isn't magic. It's not about sending them good vibes, and suddenly they change.

It's about releasing the energy you're holding towards them.

It's about saying, "I'm sorry" for the part I played. "Please forgive me" for what I'm carrying. "Thank you" for the lesson. "I love you" as a release of the attachment.

And when you do that work, something shifts inside you.

You stop waiting for them to apologize. You stop needing them to change. You stop carrying the weight of what they did.

And that's freedom.

What I Learned

I learned that you can't control whether people change. But you can control whether you carry them.

I learned that forgiveness isn't weakness. It's refusing to let someone else's behavior determine your peace.

I learned that wishing someone well doesn't mean what they did was okay. It means you're not going to let it destroy you.

And I learned that sometimes, years later, people do change. And sometimes they don't.

But either way, you're free. Because you already let it go.

The Energy You Carry

The energy you carry towards someone shows up in your life.

If you're carrying resentment, you're broadcasting that. And it affects how you lead. How you trust. How you show up in other relationships.

If you're carrying hurt, you're protecting yourself from being hurt again. Which means you're not fully present. You're not fully open.

But when you release it, when you genuinely wish them well, you free up that energy.

And you can use it to build. To grow. To create.

It's Not About Reconciliation

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to reconcile.

I didn't go looking for that employee. I didn't reach out. I didn't try to rebuild the relationship.

But when I saw him, I wasn't carrying resentment. So I could say, "Hey, how are you doing?" without it being loaded.

And that's the difference. You don't need them in your life. But you also don't need to carry them in your mind rent-free.

The Practice

So here's what I did. And what I still do.

When I'm carrying something towards someone, I sit with it. I name it. I feel it.

And then I do Ho'oponopono. Out loud. Or in my head.

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you."

And I mean it. Not for them. For me.

Because I'm not going to carry their stuff. I'm not going to let what they did dictate my peace.

And every time I do it, I feel lighter. More free. Less attached.

What This Means for Leadership

This isn't just personal. This is leadership.

Because if you're carrying resentment towards someone on your team, they feel it. Even if you don't say it.

If you're carrying hurt from a past business partner, it shows up in how you trust the next one.

If you're holding onto what someone did to you, you're making decisions from that wound.

And that's not leadership. That's survival.

The Hardest Part

The hardest part isn't forgiving someone who wronged you once.

The hardest part is forgiving someone who keeps wronging you. Or forgiving yourself for letting it happen.

But even then, the practice is the same.

You release the energy. You wish them well. Not because they deserve it. But because you do.

Everything Is Changeable

That doctor who worked with the patients in the psychiatric ward? He proved that everything is changeable.

Those were people society had given up on. And through his work, they healed.

If people who have done horrible things can change, then anyone can.

But that's not your job. Your job is to release what you're carrying so you can move forward.

The Freedom in Letting Go

The freedom isn't in them changing. The freedom is in you letting go.

When you stop needing them to apologize, you're free.

When you stop needing them to acknowledge what they did, you're free.

When you genuinely wish them well, even if they never change, you're free.

Because their behavior no longer controls your peace.

That's How I Choose to Live

I choose to stay civil. Human. Respectful.

I choose not to talk ill of people behind their backs. Even when I'd be justified.

I choose to wish people well. Even when they didn't wish me well.

Not because I'm better than anyone. But because I'm not going to carry their stuff.

And that's the choice we all have.

Carry it. Or release it.

Hold onto it. Or wish them well.

Stay attached to the hurt. Or find freedom in forgiveness.

What Are You Carrying?

So the question is: What are you carrying?

Who are you holding resentment towards? Who are you waiting to change before you can move on?

And what would it feel like to just wish them well? To release the energy? To stop carrying them?

Not because they deserve it. But because you do.

That's the work. And it's worth it.