I Hate Unsolicited Advice (And Then I Get Frustrated When Clients Don't Take Mine)

I've learned that I don't like unsolicited advice.

I don't think anybody does. But it really irritates me. Irritates me for people to give you advice or tell you what to do or not to do when you didn't even say it's a problem. Or you didn't ask for help.

Maybe I'm just venting. Right?

And that's why the powerful communication tools we use are so helpful. Because when you communicate with somebody, you can actually say what you need instead of getting advice you didn't want.

The Social Media Problem

What I've noticed on social media is people give advice that isn't being asked for.

And I know it's social media. You put yourself out there. I'm not even talking specifically about me. Just in general.

Everybody knows better. Everybody's saying, "Well, try this," or "Did you do this?" or "This should work. How don't you know about this?"

Without respecting the other person's journey, and where they're at.

And I'm probably guilty of that too. Because sometimes you see what a lot of people don't see, being in my profession and doing what I do.

It took me a while to stop giving advice without being asked. Even if you know. Even if you really want to.

And if I really want to, I'll do it only with close friends now. And I'll even say, "Hey, I don't know if you want to hear this. But this is what I think. Because I feel like I need to express it."

My Personal Situation

I think for me, it comes down to two things.

First, my personality. A lot of people who know me and work with me know this: Even if I ask what you think or what your opinion is, I might not wait for you to give it to me.

It's kind of ridiculous. Jen and I go through this sometimes. She's like, "Why did you even ask if you already made up your mind?"

Or she'll ask me, "Did you already decide?" A lot of times, because she knows. I already know.

A lot of times, it's more informing than asking questions.

And if I ask a question, it doesn't mean I'm going to take your advice or opinion. I will note it. I will be informed. But it doesn't mean it's valuable enough to me to matter. To override my decision.

I kind of take it into a database. And then it also goes to how much I value that advice or that person. Whether it's enough to change my mind or to care.

And that's true.

Why Unsolicited Advice Irritates Me

So when somebody gives me unsolicited suggestions, and I've noticed this several times this year, I was like, "Why am I so irritated?"

And I think it boils down to those two things:

One, I didn't ask. So you're assuming I need help when I didn't say I need help.

Two, I don't value your advice enough to override my own decision. And if I haven't asked you, that means I'm not looking for your input.

That's interesting. And uncomfortable to say out loud. But it's true.

The Client Mirror

And then the other thing is my second trigger.

Full disclosure: I do adore and respect every single person I work with.

But with some of them, it's much easier. And some of them, I'm like, "I just want to strangle you."

Sometimes, you know, it's kind of like kids. You love them. But you don't like them all the time.

What It Boils Down To

And what it boils down to, when it comes to clients, is the mirror, interestingly enough.

They come to me for mentorship. I call myself a mentor with them because I'm not a coach. We don't have a set program. They literally come to me with a problem, and I solve that problem.

I am good at solving people's problems when it comes to business. Ability to see the puzzle and put it together for them. Or give them steps on how to solve it themselves.

And so what triggers me, what irritates me, is when I give them advice, they come to me and say, "Hey, this is the problem."

I say, "Great. This is what you need to do in order to solve the problem."

You're paying me lawyer's rates to help you solve the problem.

And then that person turns around and doesn't do it.

And they come back and whine and moan and all the things.

The Frustration

And I think that's what frustrates me the most.

I'm here. I know how to solve this. It's not a magic pill, but if you have a cure for somebody's illness, you just say, "Please take it. Take the steps. Do this. And it will help."

And I believe that. When they come to me with a problem, and I say, "Hey, this is an easy fix. You do this, this, and this."

And they still don't do it. For whatever reasons or excuses. Sometimes they have a good excuse. Sometimes not so good.

And I get frustrated. I'm like, "Why? Why are you paying me all this money? Why are you wasting your time and my time?"

The Belief System Underneath

And here's the interesting fact: I want to be valuable.

That's my belief system coming out. I want to be valuable.

And I feel like if you're not getting results, you're wasting everybody's time. And you're not receiving value.

Because it's not about how much money you pay. It's how much money the person saves you or makes you.

And I have done both for my clients. I've saved them a lot of money through certain strategies and tactics. Finding holes in their operations and so on.

And I've helped them grow the company and multiply their investment.

I wouldn't have clients who have been with me for many, many years if they weren't receiving value from it.

But there are certain people, and I'm like, "Why? Why are you wasting everybody's time and energy? Why don't you just do it?"

But you know, sometimes, once again, like kids, they have to learn their own way.

The Paradox

And it creates an interesting paradox, right?

I don't like people giving me unsolicited advice. And I get frustrated when a person doesn't take my advice.

But the thing is, they come and pay me for my advice.

But it's different with friends versus clients, right? I'm talking about my friends not paying money.

But if I were to take coaching and pay somebody thousands of dollars, I might just follow the directions they're giving me. Because they're supposed to be an expert.

So it's just an interesting retrospective on advice-giving. And also being able to receive it.

Not Open to Receive

Because a lot of times, people are not open to seeing and receiving.

And I know that for a fact about myself. Unsolicited advice? Oh, I am not open to receiving that.

Even if it's good advice. Even if it would help. If I didn't ask for it, I'm already resistant.

And I think that's human nature. We want autonomy. We want to make our own decisions. We want to feel like we're in control.

And when somebody gives us advice we didn't ask for, it feels like they're trying to take that control away.

What This Means for Leadership

So here's the leadership piece: If you're leading people, you can't just give advice and expect them to take it.

Even if you're right. Even if you're the expert. Even if they're paying you.

People need to feel like they came to the answer themselves. Or at least, like they had a choice in receiving the advice.

That's why asking permission works. "Do you want my input on this?" or "Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?"

It gives people autonomy. And when they have autonomy, they're more likely to actually hear what you're saying.

The Client Relationship

And with clients, it's even more complex.

Because they are paying for advice. But that doesn't mean they're ready to take it.

Sometimes they're paying to feel heard. Sometimes they're paying to have someone validate what they already know. Sometimes they're paying because they know they need help, but they're not ready to do the work yet.

And as a mentor, I hold space for that.

Because my job isn't just to give them the answer. It's to help them reach the point where they can actually receive the answer.

What I'm Learning

So here's what I'm learning:

I don't like unsolicited advice because I value my autonomy. And I don't want people assuming I need help when I didn't ask for it.

And when clients don't take my advice, it triggers me because I want to be valuable. And I equate their lack of action with my lack of value.

But that's not actually true.

Their lack of action is about them. Their readiness. Their resistance. Their own journey.

Not about whether my advice was good or whether I'm valuable.

And I have to keep reminding myself of that. Because the mirror is real.

The Kids Analogy

It really is like kids.

You can tell them, "Don't touch the stove. It's hot." And they'll touch it anyway.

Not because your advice was bad. Not because they don't trust you. But because they have to learn it for themselves.

And sometimes, the same is true for adults.

You can give them the solution. You can show them the path. You can hand them the exact steps.

And they'll still do it their own way. Or not do it at all. Until they're ready.

Respecting the Journey

And I think that's what "respecting the other person's journey" actually means.

It doesn't mean you don't have valuable insight. It doesn't mean you shouldn't share it when asked.

It means you understand that people move at their own pace. They learn in their own way. They come to realizations on their own timeline.

It's not up to you to force them to move faster, but rather to be there when they're ready.

What I Tell Myself

So when I get irritated by unsolicited advice, I remind myself: They probably think they're helping. And I can choose not to take it without making it mean anything about them or me.

And when clients don't take my advice, I remind myself: They're on their own journey. And my value isn't determined by whether they do what I say. It's determined by whether I showed up with integrity and gave them my best.

Sometimes they'll take it. Sometimes they won't. And both are okay.

The Work I'm Still Doing

This is still work for me. I'm not pretending I've figured it out.

I still get irritated when people give me unsolicited advice. I still get frustrated when clients don't follow through.

But I'm learning to see it. To name it. To understand where it's coming from.

And that awareness creates space. Space to choose a different response. Space to not take it personally. Space to let people be on their own journey without needing them to do it my way.

The Real Question

So the real question isn't, "Why don't people take good advice?"

The real question is, "What makes us think we know what's best for someone else's journey?"

And maybe the answer is: We don't. Even when we're right. Even when we're the expert. Even when they're paying us.

We can offer the path. But they have to choose to walk it.

And our job is to respect that.